just sharing

I have BPD (emotionaly unstable, impulsive type as if the labels matter lol) aswell as other acronym diagnosis's like ptsd etc and my life has always been kind of impulsive looking back. Back then in the world of criminal shadows things were precariously balanced and much chaos still arose from my self destructive urge a need...
I got clean and successful for years with blips becoming more regular in appearing but eventually I lost materially everything and I despised myself for the person I became again..
I got to the point of losing all fight to get back to who I'd been, when the chaos settled.. long story short 3 1/2 years ago I slit my wrists.... I had no intention of surviving and my hands were more or less severed save for ligaments... The police and paramedics burst in and my cold dying comforting peace was disturbed. They got me halfway to the surgical hospital and I was down to 4 pints of blood, after a top up. They then gave me to the surgical team to perform there miracles and after I think I was told 18 hours of surgery that was it (fuckin alive!). As I came to, furious to being.. well just still  being ...
And since then it's been a real struggle to find an identity, some hope, some gratitude some positives..
I have been blessed with family support when I haven't shut them out in selfish pitying, and I have met people, people have been put in my path that have shown me what I needed... Sadly one of those people passed away recently he was only 24 but I owe him my life today, truly....
So as the severed tendons, nerves and muscles to my wrists that had been saved healed I doodled for the first time as it soothed my head in hospital for 6 months, coz my head was just to busy.
My hands became able to cope to try to put down what I see in my head... though now there deteriorating. I don't know techniques or really care if there's better ways to doodle, it just soothes my head and as I've had that to replace the self destruct urges that still reappear
I'm so grateful to have been given a non deserved second chance... And I thought I'd share a bit in very brief (believe this may be a long ramble but it's not even the highlights) of how I come to be here able to start sharing my doodling and looking at the amazing art that I can aspire towards that can move me, or make me smile and I thank anybody who posts there stuff on here for that.... Sorry my fingers are tired and if you read that thankyou for not getting bored xxxxx