depressed

I've been feeling depressed lately. All I want to do is be alone and cry, but at the same time I want to be hugged. I don't know what to do, I've been pushing my boyfriend away lately cause I always cause an argument between us by accident on stupid stuff. I've only been dating the guy for a couple months now but I've known him since 2009. We started to date after my ex and i broke up do to both of us cheating on each other. Me physically and him emotionally, but I have no feelings for him anymore. So I'm trying to figure out the cause of my depression.
I cut off some friendships cause they were always making me feel negative in any way, and i didn't need any of that drama shit. The guy I'm dating tells me he loves me and he likes my curly hair (which makes me extremely happy cause i hate my curly hair) but i don't know. Ever since we started to date, I've just been more and more depressed. And I really don't know what to write cause I don't normally tell people these things since I get looks. I know I'm overly paranoid, and I hallucinate quite frequently.  Sometimes I just want to stay locked in my room and not talk to anyone. But then I hurt someones feelings if I do.
Sometimes I'll fantasy what would happen if I was kidnapped and killed or just if I up and died. I know I don't have the balls for suicide, plus I wouldn't want to cause it would break my parents hearts.
Am I depressed or just crazy? There is probably more to say but I can't think of anything. I'm always tired and never want to do anything. I stopped drawing, I stopped writing. I just lost any motivation...