Lost, cold, alone

I am deeply, sincerely sorry for whoevers journal I bumped to post this, but I am so not okay, I am not okay, my life feels like it is closing in around me, I can be standing outside in the wide open and it still feels like walls are closing in on me as a ceiling is lowering, the room is shrinking, I am surrounded, but so alone so alone, and friends have tried to comfort me, but the more they care the more I feel like I dont belong! Hugs, smiles, friendliness.... it MAY help for a moment, but hurts even more.... Friday, after a few days of it getting worse and worse, I broke down crying... which genuinely worried and even scared a couple friends........ but... I broke down crying... I feel ignored, unwanted, worthless, i feel like I am going nowhere.... but that isnt what is dragging me down.... the hollowness started before the negative thoughts... I WANT TO SCREAM, I WANT TO SCREAM, but the more I want to scream, the harder it is to talk... gravity is weighing harder on me, my body feels weaker and weaker.... I still force myself to eat so I dont fall back into my anorexic habits... I feel empty and cold and.... alone... and hollow... and it is all swirling.... always so tired.... this weekend alone, I have gone to bed near 8pm.. i think yesterday 7:30 or so... but cant sleep.... lay there tossing and turning... clinging to my pillow... wishing it had arms and could hold me... or that it would accept me and tell me things will be okay... but when friends did that it.... I still hurt..... I feel so lost, so lost, so confused.... so sick..... WHATS WRONG WITH ME
I WANT TO SCREAM, TO BE HELD.... I want everything to be okay.... I wish and hope and pray that  everything will be okay soon.... I just keep pushing, trying to stay positive... keep trying to surface in this sea of.... thick, cold bleakness....

i dont know what to do i dont know what i am doing i dont know what to do i dont know what to do
we cant see a doctor, we cant afford medications... ive talked to some friends about these feelings.... i.... i dont know what i can do, i dont know what can be done... i just... feel like.... this is never ending......... this dark tunnel has to open to sunlight eventually, right?????


i am sorry... if you read this.... i thank you...
dont know what i am looking for, honestly.... I just... in the past i have gotten help from you guys and felt a bit better.... i just... i dont know.... i am sorry...........