Devious Journal Entry

I fucked up bad as fuck....

I've got a friend who has some of the same issues as me, anxiety, depression, etc. also some bad OCD.
She hasn't spoken to me for the past few days and I was getting really stressed out and worried and feeling sort of sick about it so after sending her a lot of messages, I sent her a note on dA about it. I've been feeling for a while like maybe I can't keep up this relationship because she keeps going quiet and not even warning me that she's going to be gone and it just messes me up so bad. She doesn't really seem to have that kind of reaction to it if I leave, probably because I don't.

So I said as much in the note and then like five hours later I felt like I had fucked up so I sent another desperate note saying i didn't want to end anything and that she could just go back to taking her time but then she answered me, really upset.
It was hard to read and i don't really know what to get out of it...

I can't tell if she hates me or if I'm overreacting  and I just want to go die again....

we both got invited to the same thing on monday, to learn how to play Magic the Gathering at a friend's house but now I'm scared to go because what if she comes but also what if she DOESN'T come

and i'm so mean to her she's just so sick all the time and she was already being like fucking stalked by someone
i wish someone would just shoot me in the fucking face already.