Can't Get Over the Past....

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imreallyNOTokay's avatar
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I really like this group and I have never posted here before, so I thought why not?
First off I'm 19 years old and I'm going into my sophomore year of college. As the caption says, I have recently been caught up in past issues.  I have always been the type of person to look back often, regret things, over think the "what-ifs" and to put myself down for letting things turn out the way they do. But lately it has gotten to me more than usual, to the point that it's all I catch myself thinking about. So....What made it all start was my first year of college. I'm the type of person to always see the good in people. I try my hardest to be a good friend and to be a good person and in doing so, I go out of my way to make people happy, thinking that in return I will get the same treatment back, have good friends.. the whole package blah blah blah. But it turned out so wrong. Of course since it was my first year on my own, away from home, I figured that it would be a new start for my life, so naturally I was excited to meet new people and make a lot of new friends. To make a long story short, my "too" kind nature made me a target for all the wrong people. Like I said before, I've always been a people pleasure.. so its actually physically hard for me to stick up for myself and to say "No" to almost any favor people ask of me. I've been taken advantaged of many times by "friends", been used, stepped over... and worst of all, by people I've never thought would do these things because we were so close. The cherry on top was that my whole freshmen year, I was in and out of an abusive relationship because I always thought that maybe they have changed. I went back to them even after they said that they treated me bad on PURPOSE.. multiple times and to my face. With all the people who treated me wrong, I still forgave them and was still nice about the whole situation in the arguments, even to those who deserved a good insult. Anyway when I finally got my head on straight, I was left with a lot of regrets. If I had said this instead of that, if I had said no, if I had been more assertive... the list goes on. I really hate myself and the person I've become and the person I've let other people make me become... I can't talk to anybody at home and some things I could never tell my parents. I've always had depression and anxiety all my life, but it has got so bad to where I'm currently getting therapy and on anti-depressants. I try to think positive, but not matter how much I try to boost myself up, every little thing makes me think about these negative situations. The phrases "Get over it", "Just move on", "You can't change the past"  simply does not work for me... I'm trying to work on myself and to change myself to make sure I won't make the same mistake a third time, but its just the thought of what all has happened to me that makes me feel like I'm going to lose it.  

I don't know if anybody can help me but I just had to get it out some way some how. If you read all this Thank You haha :).
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SPIKE295's avatar
They say that the people that try and make everybody happy end up being the loneliest.