Ashamed, fake and no friends

I don't have any friends, only thing I have is depression and lately sth like anhedonia.
Depression from so many years, and no friend for many years too.

People from my school think that I'm happy because I'm smiling and sometimes telling jokes.
But just not true. When I'm with people I act like I'm happy but I really feel like I'm crying. At home I'm crying one, two or three times per day. Also I feel physical pain, because I have many disorders.

I'm alone but I always was. People always talking about their friends, childhood. I don't want to tell them that I was bullied for ten years. I'm very shy person. People says that I look like satanist ( I like heavy metal and they know about it). I'm Christian, but I don't feel God's love but I don't wanna laught at Him like my potential friends ( who are pagans do). (I was bullied for being Christian too, by my clasmates who was Christian too).

The main thing: I feel so confused because I don't have friends but I also feel so ashamed to tell people that I don't have anyone, that I'm all alone. I think they will laught at me and I know that can destroy me completly.