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i guess i should start
In the 5th grade is when i starting going through shit. My biological mother was crying all the time and became a drunk drinking all the time, my dad was always lustful and all he cared about was wanting sex & when he wouldn't he would drink until he was so drunk he would pass out he didn't give a shit about his own daughter only sex, i also lost my best friend, and no she didn't die. All she ever did was use me for all of my stuff, she treated me like shit at school, acted like she didn't know me, and would get upset & mad at me when i would tell her i couldn't hang out or she couldn't hang out at the moment, she even started to come uninvited and would lie saying i told her she could come over and hang out. So that friendship ended quickly.
i had no friends, no family, i had no one. not even a sibling, usually i would cry every night while my mother napped on the bed passed out because of her working late hours. but one night i realized i was alone. i was sitting there on the couch. just watching tv. acting like i didn't have a shitty life. trying to cover it up when i knew deep inside i wanted to disappear. i realized i had no one. i had to accept it and stop faking. then i started asking "why me? what did i do?" i became angry and i couldn't stand anyone anymore. i became a very hateful person to a very bad extent. then i quietly got into my biological mother's bed [we only had 2 bedrooms but the other one was being worked on [[fyi she never finished it]] so i had to share a bed with her.] the next day i had to stay the night at my dad's house [i also had to go from one place to the other week after week. so when i went to sleep that night i had this dream. it was the sweetest & most tender dream i had in such a long time.
[i'm giving you the short version]
in the dream i was 15yrs. i was crying, alone, scared, sad, confused, angry, lonely, hate, & despair. i felt so cold in the dream. i wanted it to go away but it wouldn't. i was surrounded by darkness. no one was there. then a light shined. and i'll make this shorter a guy with blonde hair so light it looked white, he shined a brilliant glow, his eyes' were a deep blue ocean blue, the light behind him look like-well angel wings. he smiled at me. i became scared in the dream and started to sob. he came to me and held me. he was warm, and his skin was so soft. he looked at me with those ocean blue eyes'. i felt safe. he looked at me and said something. i couldn't hear at first. then i could and he said, "i love you." he kissed me and his lips tasted sweet. but then he looked sad. he turned his head and said he had to leave. i didn't want him to go , i wanted him to stay i remember in the dream i started to beg him not to go. but he had to. he looked me and grazed my cheek and said, "i'll always be with you. You'll never be alone and i will always love you." he then left. and i was alone to suffer these feelings in the dark once again at the end of the dream.
so i woke up, and i felt...good. i had a good sleep & i didn't feel as sad. eve though everything was still shitty i realized i wasn't alone. and since then this mystery guy/angel has been on my mind since then. and maybe my fucked up mind is playing with me. but i believe he's real. he may not be real physically but to me he's real both mentally and physically in my mind.
to me he has my heart in his hands, and he will always have it. but since 5th grade i've had a fear of love [from all the shit that i've had to deal with from my parents' marriage & divorce.] i wanted to stay single even for the rest of my life. but you know how it feels when you're the only single person then you see a bunch of couples surround you. and you're sickened by it at first but the you feel a bit sad afterwards.
i recently have gotten into a relationship. the guy is sweet, he likes everything about me, he says i'm beautiful, he cares about me, everything you would want from a guy. but-
why do i feel..like i've hurt someone? why do i feel sad? why do i feel like i've betrayed someone? why do i feel like someone's angry at me? why do i wish i was single again? why do i feel like i've lost someone so important to me that it's my fault? why do i feel like crying?
everynight after i go to bed i wake around 3:00 a.m. every night and i can't go back to sleep. because i feel so uncomfortable. i feel so sad. it's been like this for 3 or 4 days. i've been wanting to start smoking or doing drugs and i've been wanting to cut myself again.
maybe i'm over reacting and you can say that or what ever you want to say because you can say i'm an asshole or a bitch or selfish because i already know that i am.
i just don't know. i don't know what it means, maybe i'm more fucked up then i thought.
i just don't know.
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