I'm really unsure about posting this, but I need to talk to someone about this and don't have anyone to. Please don't judge me too harshly about this. Please.
I graduate college in December and haven't found a job yet. I know I should have by now, but I'm having a lot of trouble with this. I haven't had a job before since my mom wanted me to focus on school and I'm still working on getting my license. Nobody around me is really any help with this. My mom joined the military right out of high school for 30 years and now works for the government. She keeps suggesting I look on the government job website, but it's not really helpful. The only family that talks to me really is my aunt and uncle who live nearby. My aunt is a school counselor and keeps suggesting substitute teaching, apparently I'm supposed to just get over being nervous around kids and I don't like them honestly, or teaching English in South America, they don't all speak Spanish there like she thinks, I don't know Spanish anyway, and I have zero interest in going there. Everyone keeps giving horrible suggestions and acting like I'm supposed to just do whatever would be easiest. My uncle is of no help. My major is film, which is really hard to find jobs in and it's not like Las Vegas really has a lot going on with film. It's not like I'm expecting working on something big immediately, or even necessarily film at all in the beginning. I just don't want to be stuck in something I know I'll hate forever. They seem to think that I'm not looking at all, when I am. I just don't want to talk to them about it because I know they'd never understand. My mom is a bit more understanding, but I still can't talk to her about this.
I sincerely want to move out and ideally very far away. Socially, college was a complete disaster with most of my "friends" making it a living nightmare that probably could have killed me. My aunt seems honestly surprised that I plan on moving out and living without my mom. I don't know where this nonsense idea came from or if it has to do with me being asexual, which she seems to think means I don't want to ever date or get married, which still wouldn't make sense even if I did. I hate living near all these memories of my horrific college social experience and I honestly hate living with my mom a lot of the time, and near my family period. I honestly appreciate what my mom does for me, a lot of parents kick their kids out basically once they hit 18, but things are sometimes kind of bad.
I feel like my mom is sometimes ashamed of me and wishes I were different, more like her. She calls me stupid all the time and apologizes saying she won't do it again and then still does it all the time. She calls me weak just because I don't disregard everything people say. She seems to think being rude, blunt, and saying whatever you want is showing you're strong and a leader. We have very different beliefs and I can't question her on really anything or she just gets angry and yells at me. I can never defend myself because she just gets angry and yells at me. If I ever try to talk to her about any issues or even just some show/movie/etc. she gets mad and yells at me after a few minutes. LGBT+ issues are kind of important to me, being asexual and most people I know fall under that category. She always gets mad at me for trying to just talk about it. There's nothing I can really talk to her about without her getting mad and yelling after a few minutes. I can't really cry in front of her because she just calls me weak and makes fun of me. She insults me all the time saying she's joking and I should just "get thick skin" even though it just makes me feel worse than I already do and it doesn't work so I don't know why she keeps doing it. She hits me, but not hard barely caring that I don't want her to. I recently got a tattoo and she hit me in it on the second day even though I told her it hurt. She wanted to hit me in it again a few days after. She's always mumbling mean things about me and yells at me when I ask her about it. She's at work during the day and then gets mad when I try to talk to her after she gets home. Like she would prefer that I just basically ignore her. She doesn't seem to really want me around, but there isn't much I can really do. She's pretty much no help about it. I have basically no friends and it's not like I can hang out with anyone I know anyway. They're basically acquaintances and I'm not going to ask anyone to go anywhere since I'd need and ride and don't want to be a burden. Whenever I plan things, people always flake without saying anything if anyone comes at all. She basically blames me for not trying hard enough and not "compromising" on what people like, even though they'd never do anything I like so I'd be the only on trying. That's how it always is. It's not my fault I don't have really anything in common with anyone. She seems to think that since I'm different that I have to give in to what everyone else wants just to have friends. I don't want friends like that. I've had that and wished I was dead because of them. I can't watch anything associated with those people because of it. Popular things that are talked about all the time give me horrible memories of those people.
I'm going to stop now. Sorry it got so long. I didn't want it to be. Some advice would be really appreciated. Thank you for reading it though if you do.