(Or, how to break through the hardy veil of depression, become yourself again, and leave a lasting impression on those you love, those who hate you, and those that don't care)
Welcome to my journal entry! As you can see, it doesn't seem like a very negative journal entry; it doesn't strike you as anything triggering or cynical or anything, right? If you read carefully, it should be a forewarning; but don't fear, this is not going to decay into that.
For myself, I would like to talk to anyone that reads these journal entries; outsiders of the "imreallyNOTokay" group, readers of the journals; lovers and haters abound -- especially those of you that have been really writing entries to the group as of the last few weeks. There's something important I should tell you.
You have *value*. You are a *human being*, just like the rest of us. You can achieve great things, *you* can erect a lifetime of good memories, friends, perhaps even art projects that live on for centuries. But if you do not focus on the very important thing here, you will slip into that hole that many slip into, and have a hard time getting out.
I think it's not unusual that I read many of your stories and relate to nearly all of them in some weird, unexplained way. Whether it's that you can't be accepted by your friends or family, you have a hard time identifying yourself, you can't get the creativity flowing; your lover/ex-lover gives you a hard time and you wonder if it's worth it -- things of this nature always strike me and I constantly tried to figure out a way around it.
At first, when I was about 13 or 14 I would just get avoidant and play video games or talk to people online to get the frustration out a bit. But then things kind of grow a little tougher and dealing with it can be a chore for some. For me, it went from being a chore to a small "event" to literally being a total interference in my life.
Just like myself up to this point, and yourself perhaps; just stop to think before the thoughts rush to your head. Don't think the worst solution - don't expect to do it. If at all, prepare for the worst but be ready for anything because life will always throw very difficult curves at you. It's almost like something is really testing you and who you are, to stand up against winds that vary in speed and pressure.
When stress or depression or anxiety comes at you, the first thing you have to do is take a breath. Don't go to that cigarette, don't go to that video game, don't go to whatever it is you need to do to get the stress out of your mind. Take a breath, sit back, think.
Now here's the hard part. Do this step, as unusual as it may very well be: imagine yourself at your highest potential. Whether that's sitting on a throne of a billion skeletons that's surrounded by a planet filled with lava or you're president of Pepsi Co or you're a better ninja than Ryu Hayabusa, just imagine that you will become that very thing with the things you deal with in the day. Seriously; whatever it is, let it just run in your head that these things you do like work that 9 hour job or raise your child will probably result in that image in your head.
Because let's face it. These are fantasies we aren't likely to really have in life. But just because you can't have it doesn't necessarily mean that it's not attainable; these things -have- to be unattainable because if they weren't, everyone could become Skeletor and completely destroy the planet twice; or everyone could become Goku and pretend to save the planet from all of the universe destroying aliens that apparently exist.
The thing here is that you are just living so very seriously, and while I can truly relate to what it is you may be going through... I'm just a stranger. Am I here to make you feel better? Am I here to make you feel worse? Am I your best friend, your greatest enemy? Those things are all just labels you can apply to me, and I'm okay with it. You have no real reason to trust me. Though hear me out one more time, so the question seems a little more relative...
I've gone through many heartbreaks - some by me, many by countless others and even the same people a couple of times. Falling in love, falling out of love... wondering if my friends are my enemies, wondering if they are really my friends. I don't sit and think that just having them around and alive are ever enough, and then I realize that's all I should *really* want. Constantly I wonder, when will I learn?
I've made art projects, including but not limited to acting, directing, video production, animating, programming, web comic design, writing, drawing and painting. Some of it, especially the making of it, really gives me a feeling of good nostalgia when it's really what I love... creating the art, not even the final product. People tell me it doesn't mean much. I'm not making money off it, so constantly I wonder, when will I learn?
I've had a problem trying to deal with myself. Being my own friend, being my own enemy... getting trapped with this feeling like, "am I man enough?" "Am I not feminine enough?" "Am I truly a man?" "Am I a woman?" It just constantly plagues me like I need to think about it, but I have so many other things to deal with other than what people will see me 'as' or what I feel I 'am.' And yet those things can be so unimportant yet constantly I wonder, when will I learn?
Then, it snaps back at me like a freshly strung bow.
I have learned because I lived through those experiences to tell that yes, I have learned. I know things get rough but somewhere in that unknown ending in these lives we live, we find something. Call it nirvana, call it finding your muse.
But in the end you must realize that you can't live to feel the pain of others unless they experience that pain. You leave yourself feeling so vulnerable but you shouldn't. When people tear into you, it's like they leave you torn in the middle of nowhere, right? Sometimes this happens and for the worst reasons, but it is not because of who you are and it is not because you are weak -- it is because you are strong enough that someone or something got to you and it managed to get through to you.
So instead, be kind, be generous, and be respectful. Be powerful, and don't let anyone get to you. Remember, if you're truly worth it, people will dedicate their life to you. But it's hard to get this dedication if you can't dedicate yourself to... well, yourself.
Constantly I wonder, when will I learn? We won't really learn until we take those hard routes in life and figure out just how much we can take before we become stronger. That's why you must always fight through your pain, and never give up.