Well...let's summarize what has happened in the last few months and give a general overview over my problems of the last years.
I am a clean self harmer, and have been clean for 2 years now. (YAY)
I found a boyfriend a year after i broke up with my ex-longdistant-junkyasshole ofhole of a boyfriende. (should have been a one-night-stand) but eh. He was nice and crazy in a good way. But he never wants to go out or spend time with me expect if he wants to stay home, expecti ng sex i guess? At the same time i feel i take advantage of hime for having sex, still spend nearly no time with him but rather with my friends and on the other hand i feel he takes advantage of me, using me for sex only, often ditching "dates" or other stuff were we planned to hang out with our friends in the last possible moment (or even not at all and if i call him after he had been late for 30 minutes he says he doesn't feel like going out)
I am part of punk subculture, but have here no friends in the punk scene, to say the least i have an extremely bad reputation within the punk scene here. I guess when i was was 14 i fucked a guy which has a really really bad reputation and even though i didn't knew about it they still accuse me of being fucked by this really old and unhygienic dude.
Anyways i found new friends, communists at the beginning, but now i guess i am with the few raver people of the communists. And as it is seen as normal within the raver and goa scene drugs are just expending your mind or are genualy said harmless nice things, i started doing them more frequently. I did a few drugs bevore, punks aren't very selfcontrolling or happy people so it was always easy to get drugs and there always were some around. But now i am losing controll, i was on 2 goas in 2 days and 2full days of "afterchill" to come down from the uppers. Of course here using loads and loads of downers.
Well if something like that happens every half year it is no trouble but since i got to hang out with the ravers we do this about 1 a month. And the other weekends we "just" o partying once and hang out afterwards for two days straight anyways.
It's not like they are pulling me down on there level, it's more like I pull them down because i have no demands on live expect to flee this fucking shit here and no morals nor concepts in live. They on the other side go along and like my "I don't care"-attitude. Since we started hanging out also people in our circles which have never ever even thought about doing drugs tried it and all of them liked it and want to go to such hard partys now with us more often.
Now here my problem:
Those are my only friends, the first social environment of mine which stood strong even though they know how crazy, violent and mean i can be. And i know i will never ever find such a large and reliable group of friends again.
But: They are a bad influence to me, because the go along with my shitty attitude and stupid decisions and are my source of drugs. And i am a bad influence because we pull other people with us into the abyss and trap each other in a permanent downward spiral in relation to the standard of living, lifestyle and attitude towards life. Also i guess i love my boyfriend, even though we have been togther for !/2 year and haven't even said "I love you" jet, i don't wanna lose him but also i want to live freely, fuck hoever i want to and hang out with whomever whenever i want (expext for the sex he lets me do anything i want anyways) I feel like we shouldnt have come together but should have rather started being friends with benefits or something like this...but it's way to late for that.
well...i really don't know what to do, i feel my brain and body beeing wrecked and at the same time i realy enjoy it all.
Also i am so broke i get to eat like once a day, and if i have money i rather spend it on cigarettes (then on beer) than on food...
(sorry for grammmar and spelling, i am neither a native english speaker nor sober at the moment)